A is for…

…April Arrivals!

Apparently golden-yellow sunshine has given way to pale moon beams and then returned to reclaim its territory over and over for more than a month now. When I was told, I blinked in disbelief. I moved out of my room and looked at all the calendars in the house suspiciously, to see if I could spot any sign of mischief, but all of them; from the one that hangs in my parents room to the one on my phone; show me that today is the 8th of May! It seems then that what I have been told is true – I have been entrusted with the care of the most precious parcel for five weeks already! I can scarcely believe that she has been here so long. True she was scheduled to arrive in April; but she made her grand entrance a lot earlier than she was supposed to. A friend of mine joked and said, “She definitely knows her mother is a CA…why else would she arrive on the first day of the new financial year!?!”

When I called my doctor to discuss what I thought was a silly problem and she told me that the baby had to come the next morning – days before she was due – I did what any reasonable person would have done in my shoes…I panicked. Would the baby have grown enough to be able to survive outside its cocoon? Why so much before the due date? Was I becoming an inhospitable host? Why wasn’t the husband there by my side?! Could I handle a baby? Would I know what to do? What if we didn’t bond well?  And worst of all…was I even ready to be a mother?!? To say I was freaking out would probably be an understatement…

Now a little later I know, although it is normal, I didn’t have to turn into a great big mess because lying on that operating table, strapped up to strange contraptions, my mouth covered with an oxygen mask, I can’t recall a time I was happier than those few seconds when they let me gaze upon her face before whisking her away. I realized that my biggest fear about being ready was probably the most foolish of all. Of course I was ready! I’d been ready to be her mother since the day I saw her as nothing more than a little speck on the ultrasound.

April…you have brought with you many nights of disturbed sleep and a painful recovery post surgery, but, you could not have been a more beautiful and blessed month!

Beast

I didn’t know when I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes, the sky was its inkiest black – the colour before dawn. Disoriented, all I knew was that I had to get out of there. So I got up, and stumbled into what felt like the bark of a tree. The low hanging branches scratched my face but I braved their sharp sting and moved forward. None of that mattered anymore – except getting away before it came back…

I had scarcely moved when I heard the sound of its feet cracking the dry twigs and dead leaves as it moved towards me. “How did it know so quickly!?! I have to get away!!“, I thought terrified. Afraid that I would end up on the floor of the woods just like those leaves, I abandoned all effort of moving as quietly as possible and began to run towards what I hoped was freedom. But, with every step forward, instead of getting further away from it, the Beast only seemed to gain on me. It was so close I could almost feel its foul breath on my neck.

At last, I could see the clearing. But as I got close, it caught up and knocked me down. While I lay there, sobbing and screaming hysterically, the Beast stood over me and I saw the strangest thing in its eyes – triumph, of some sort. The Beast pushed me hard into the ground and just when I feared the worst was upon me, it began to walk away; almost sure I wouldn’t escape even if left unguarded. As I lay there, petrified with fear I tried to clear my mind. “Had this happened before?“, I asked myself. “Why didn’t it just kill me? Why did it walk away? Does it think it’s got me beat?”

As the cloud of confusion slowly lifted, I realized that I had been running from this very Beast for a long long time. But, I was done running.

I desperately felt the ground beside me for something to use as a weapon. As my fingers closed around a heavy branch, I took a deep breath and hit it, with everything I had. In its agony, it rolled about finally lying still, just beyond the trees.

I couldn’t believe what I had done and longed to look at the creature whose death had brought my release. As the first rays of the sun painted the black sky orange and dawn arrived, I saw its face…

The Beast was me…

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The biggest thing holding me back my whole life has been myself. Constantly doubting my ability to do anything and fear of not meeting my own expectations and standards, let alone those of others, have been my biggest hurdles. Yesterday, I read this at Damien Riley‘s blog: “Rapunzel up in her tower had an excuse: she was held captive.” and it spoke to me…

The time to slay the Beast has arrived.

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Written for the Write Tribe Blog Carnival – 1.

Change

Sleep eludes her for,
Sunrise brings with it much change.
She tries to be brave
Knowing that even the worm
Must face the unknown to fly.

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Written based on the prompt in The One Minute Writer – Tanka Tuesday. The prompt was “Change” To learn more about the style of writing. Please check out the original post on TOMW here.

Things that go bump in the night…

…well not exactly…but here is my list of things that totally freak me out…I mean I’m normally a really calm person but these things usually lead to my heart beating double time and threatening to fly out of my chest; my mouth spewing out lots (and I mean LOTS) of foul language; and/or the very sudden appearance of red marks on the arms of the people in closest proximity to me…

In no particular order except perhaps the silliest to the most serious, here they are:

1. The cursed C’s – Cockroaches and cows. I know most women are scared of cockroaches, so I am not going to explain my fear except to tell you that most often the nightmares that wake me sweating and screaming have cockroaches in them. <shudder> The first time there was a cockroach at home, my husband thought it would be funny to bring it close to me…boy was he surprised I could swear… 🙂 and cows…I’m not sure why I’m afraid of them except that I am. I remember when I was in school, a friend told me that I have “nice soft brown eyes…cow eyes“. I’m sure she meant it as a compliment but I was very upset about it for a long while. That fear has only magnified over time…my husband laughs every time I cringe and reflexly move towards him when a cow passes by the car…

2. Psychedelic colours and pointy artwork. Are you beginning to laugh at me?? I can see the corners of your mouth turning up. But, what to do? They make me very very uncomfortable and when the two are combined, my heart races and I even get a little sweaty. I don’t know what it is about them…but they are SCARY!

3. Clowns. Does anybody remember that Hindi serial that used to air on Zee TV called “Woh“? No? Lucky you! I was too young to watch it I think because although I don’t quite remember the plot, the show got me scared of clowns. Come to think of it, I doubt the storyline had anything to do with my fear. It was just the theme song that put me off clowns for good! Which brings me to my next greatest fear…

4. Music. Now don’t get me wrong…music is one of my greatest loves too…but I honestly believe, with all my heart, that horror movies are horror movies because of their creepy soundtracks. I mean I’m scared of white-faced-red-lipped-clowns because that horrible show had such a scary theme song! Every time I think of clowns now that tune plays in my head and my heart races. I probably could watch horror movies on mute without the slightest problem but with the sound turned on, I’d rather be curled up under my blanket.

5. Heights. My legs turn to jelly when I look straight down from a height and I have to clutch the railing a lot tighter just to assure myself I’m not going to fall. When I lived with my parents, it was on the sixth floor…in all my time there, I could never bring myself to look straight down…if on the off chance I did, I always felt sick. I am so glad that I live on the first floor now…Phew!

6. Unexpected phone calls….especially from home get me very worried. I try not to show it, but on the inside, I always dread that it’s bad news.

7. Being alone. I think this is my single greatest fear. I hate eating meals on my own so living my life by myself is definitely not an option. I doubt I could survive alone…I would probably wither away and die an empty shell of my former self it that was my fate. My other fears I think I could probably overcome somehow…but this one…this one seems a lot harder to get over if indeed I ever could…

What are your greatest fears? Do you share any with me?

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I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013.